A new beginning

As I near the end, a sense of foreboding envelops me.
Do I even remember a life without it?

You are living in the past, a voice said to me
What you are fearing is already on you,
and what you are loathe to leave is already behind you.
You know it already
All that is required is for you to accept it
How can that be, I argued my point.
If you hadn’t
 already moved on,
if you weren’t healed already
You would have been torn apart by thinking the possibility of
living without what you have lived with so far.
The end is not near, this is the end.
And tomorrow is the new beginning.

Of a new life with new dreams and hopes.

 

Any kind of happy…

‘It’s better to be any kind of happy than to be miserable about someone you can’t have”
Leah Clearwater Breaking Dawn

The only thing worth remembering from the 2 hour torture of Breaking dawn (but Breaking Dawn is not the point right now).. not coz I whole heartedly agree with it or strongly disagree. but coz I cannot make my mind… somewhere it shook me.

How do you decide something is un-achievable? when is it that you should give up… and when you give up, do you have to move away from it necessarily? So the only thing that should hold you on is whether you can get it or not. Honestly it sounds a bit selfish to me… reminds me of a child like tantrum.. i want it, if i cant have it then i don’t want to be near it at all!

But then this can be argued from another point as well…

Is there any logic in running after something which is clearly not yours… never meant to be yours, never will be yours? Keeping up the hope and seeing it get dashed every single time… how long can a human stand it. how long before you break from this self-inflicted torture?

Is it really amateur to see a lost cause in face and do what is right by your self as well as for those around us? Who decides what is right what is the more prudent thing to do?

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The bigger question in all this is not what is the right thing to do…

It is..

 

 

Do you have it in you to do the right thing? Sometimes, that’s all that decides everything.

 

An Apology

I owe you an apology

You know they don’t come easy with me

But I know I did wrong by you

and its only fair I bow to thee

I blamed you for things I didn’t get

Admission to that top-notch grad school

Eligibility to management entrance

A job away from home so that I could enjoy being on my own

And I specifically blamed you for messing up my love

I scorned at all who sang your glory

He does everything for a better good

Ha! Humbug. Ya I was modern Scrooge

But now I believe it all

That grad school would have been too boring

MBA wouldn’t have taught me as much as a job did

If I was away from home

I wouldn’t have been able to care for my mom

And I doubt I would have been happy with someone

who wasn’t capable of loving me the way I deserved.

So over all, you did well for me

It was hard to accept that time

and honestly, I think it’ll always be.

But atleast I can say sorry for my bad words

and thanks for staying by me 🙂 🙂 🙂

I remembered you

Standing in crowded grocery billing line waiting for it to crawl further, I look at my watch and remember how you used to tease me for being a stickler for time management. How you would come before me but still hide and make me wait for whole 5 minutes, just to see that where-the-devil-is-he look on my face.

Standing in the crowded billing line, I remembered you and I smiled.

On my morning jog, sweaty and sticky I am looking forward to a nice shower. I recalled how you loved to see me all sweaty and bothered.

Jogging all by myself, I remembered you and I blushed.

I hear a piercing whistle on phone while talking to someone. I particularly find it irritating to my ears and am not averse to even cursing the person responsible for it. You would whistle right in my ear every time we are talking on phone, just to hear me snap at you. And I would react angry coz I knew you loved it.

Talking on phone to someone else, I laughed.

People around me have seriously started doubting my sanity now.

All because I remember you 🙂

Remembering you

Road

You plan your trip and your destination

You decide on the routes to take

considering every ramification.

Armed with all the details and plans

you set out on the road

but then

road takes over from you implementing its own plan.

At places it is smooth as butter, luring you to speed through it

enjoying the thrill of being in charge

And then, suddenly there are bumps and potholes

giving you a reality jerk, very harsh.

At places it is straight as pine

you may glide and even take your eyes off it

At places it gets serpentine

with twists and turns

you need to be alert and make the right moves

a wrong one can put you on an unwanted u-turn.

This way your journey goes on

sometimes the road is guiding you

sometimes it becomes part of your crew.

And then one day, you reach your destination

and your journey ends

You bid adieu to the road

and it moves on and on

guiding some other traveller to his destination.

Such is a road

Is it any different from life?

Hating you

You said I simply can never hate you

If only you knew how much I do hate you

How much I have always hated you.

 

Hate you for storming into my life,

uninvited

and smashing down all my defences

making me vulnerable to you.

You hurt me so many times

I did not retaliate

thinking YOU would be hurt.

Still you accuse ME of hurting you!

imagine if I wanted, what all I could have done.

 

Hate you for making me feel so much for you

I cannot leave you when your life is not all rosy

Cannot see you all alone, so sad and gloomy

And so I am right beside you just in case you need me

And I will stay even though it kills me

Till the time I can’t anymore

or till the time you don’t need me anymore

 

But till then I will hate you

for making me love you so much

that I put you before me.

Does that make me a doormat?

 

 

 

 

Ok this is not exactly a poem but it’s something I just wanted to take out.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Its a sequel of the post written here so for a better experience, please read this first.

So you say one should always tell the truth huh?

Truth always triumphs and truth and nothing but the truth?

Well heres a reality check

You CANNOT tell the truth and facts all the time.

Its not safe. Its not sublime.

For one, people cannot, I repeat, CANNOT digest the truth.

Its a moralistic demand that decays with your youth

Try tellin your ‘sugar’ that his offer for weekend cookin is an approachin doom

Or your neighbour that her son is not anyone’s dream groom

Will you tell your boss his sense of humor is in permanent state of coma

His jokes havnt changed since days of yore

And his one liners aren’t witty anymore.

But no you won’t.

You’ll stand with glass of champagne in your hand

and smile as far as your mouth can bend.

And what when its only about you and yourself

Telling facts to all is making vulnerable oneself

Should one and all know what scares you the most.

That when you have nightmares, you wake up crying and watch sunrise hugging your bedpost.

You cried buckets full watching Shreik 1, 2 and 3

Imagine tellin this to your friends, boy you’ll never hear end if it! 😀

Will you let him see how much his words hurt you?

Betcha you’ll laugh your way away saying ‘No big deal’

He’ll never know it was all a ruse.

Lying is defensive mechanism, it helps retain your pride

People tend to hurt. If you buckle, they’ll jump to ride

So for the better good of others and you

Lying is telling truth, a wee bit skewed.

Smile

He saw her for the first time when he was 20

She was center of attention of the crowd

But then that wasn’t surprising, he thought

Afterall, wasn’t she first thing that caught his eye as soon as he entered.

And then he simply couldn’t turn his back to her.

She had grace and poise

And an eternal beauty that lasts more than a lifetime

Surrounded by willow shoot versions of female beauty that are rage those days

She overshadowed them all, and she didn’t even try .

He saw her and he saw her smile

She looked at him as if she could look right through him

Read all his secrets without giving away any of her own

What’s with the smile? he thought.

It was so serene and simple, with no artifice; it unnerved him.

He tried figuring it out but couldn’t

It scared him, yet mesmerized him.

It felt like standing in front of God

with your soul bare and your secrets revealed.

He closed his eyes and spoke of his innermost fears and desires.

She kept on smiling in that reassuring, comforting manner

somehow it was not unnerving him anymore.

HE spoke to her from morning till evening

People came and people left

For him, it was just the two of them in the whole universe

From that day till the last day of his life

he came to see her every week

to unload his burdens and get strength to face another week of his life

Then his visits ceased.

People missed seeing the man who used to talk to the Mona Lisa all day long.

Mona Lisa

Broken Thread

Following is a post I wrote long time back. Reproducing it here.

Who breaks the thread; One who pulls it or one who holds on?

I read this quote somewhere and just cudnt let it go…finding an answer to this became a question of integral importance for me.
Who breaks the thread…
Some wud say that the one who pulls it coz he broke the equilibrium.
Pretty simple huh!?!
Maybe not…
At times its important to pull the thread…in such a situation the one holding it needs to let it go…on his understanding of the situation lies the onus of salvaging the thread.

But then again one can argue, shudnt one hold on to what one holds dear? Should one just let go at a small tug? What happened to standing by and fighting for whats yours and what you believe in? Is all that phoney?

No it isnt…but then you have to recognize a lost cause. While not giving in may at times salvage the situation but then if the other person keeps on repeatedly tugging the other end then you know you have to let go of it before it snaps into two. Recognizing such a situation tests the true metal of a person’s logical and practical judgement and will power.

Wow! How convinient is that!?! So the entire onus of salvaging the thread falls on the poor soul who is not even initiating the tug in the first place. Why shudnt the one who pulls the thread bear the brunt of the mishap? Is it to be assumed that his judgement and decision of tugging the thread was accurate on all accounts? Couldnt his logical and practical judgement be flawed? And if it is, then isnt it the responsibility of the other person to bring out the true picture?

And the argument continues….

This is like those unanswerable circular mysteries of human thinking which dont have a concrete answer. And how could there be one when what we are talking about is human thoughts and behaviour.

While I was swinging between these 2 stances, there came a 3rd angle which made this entire excercise futile….What do you do with the thread if its not broken? If one pulls it and other does let go of it, the thread is intact but is it of any use? Whats the big idea about salvaging it when it is not connecting anything? When the 2 ends of the thread have drifted apart, is it any different from another piece of junk?

Jinxed

It is one of those perfect moments of life when if granted a wish, I couldn’t seem to have anything to ask for. I looked around saw serenity and peace of my contented soul reflected in the world. People looked; awe mixed with envy. Some admire. Some envy. And the moment the odd fear of loosing it all strikes, I pushed it away and sighed, “Its Perfect. Just perfect.”

CRASH

And in place of the perfection I was proud of, I was facing ruins. It was as if my dreams were materialized for a nano second and then wiped off as an evil joke. I looked around desperately for something that can be rescued, something that spoke of some hope, some life…but I found none.

As someone who believed the phrase, ‘Everything happens for a reason’, I searched for a reason, a logic, a tell-tale sign I must have missed. Why? Why me? What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Wasn’t it perfect? I felt so. Everyone said so. Then why?

And then someone came up behind me and said which left me bewildered and speechless. It was too good to last for long. It had to get jinxed.