A lil Sunshine

What do you need after days

filled with blizzards of sorrow

and darkness of disappointment

and nothing to reduce your plight.

You need a dose of tender love and caring

and hopeful and encouraging Sunshine

And that is exactly what happened to me. William, Nanno and Ishabelle bestowed on me this Sunshine Award right when I needed some sunshine in my life.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

And now, time to pass on the legacy

The Rules are:

• Put the logo on your blog above or below your post.
• Pass the award to 12 blogger.
• Link the nominees within your post.
• Let the nominees know they have received the award by commenting on their blogs.
• Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

I pass it on to:

1. Bakfire-  I truly look up to his writing style.

2. Jingle-  She connected me to so many wonderful people, thanks to her Poets Rally initiative. And right at a time when I was exploring another dimension of my writing.

3. Doubtful Poet- Her poems leave me speechless

4. Paul Andrew Russell-  Simple writing and straight from the heart

5. Spectator Speaks- I have been haunting this blog ever since I started blogging. We have been instrumental in keeping each other’s blogs alive. Wake up Specy and post something!!

6. Lazymadman- A deeeeep thinker and a remarkable friend

7. Alina- Recently discovered her blog

8. Cottagegirl- Happy and cheerful writer and so obviously in love with her life

9. Justmeshakira- Fantastic writer and a gem of a person. (Though I can see she has already done the award, I want to give this to her still.)

10. Courtingdisaster- Her poems are a treat

11. Geraldine Baugh- Fine imagery. She can make you visualize the scene and feel part of it

12. Sri Tatsat- A thinking writer.

Hating you

You said I simply can’t never hate you

If only you knew how much I do hate you

How much I have always hated you.

Hate you for storming into my life,

uninvited

and smashing down all my defences

making me vulnerable to you.

You hurt me so many times

I did not retaliate

thinking YOU would be hurt.

Still you accuse ME of hurting you!

imagine if I wanted, what all I could have done.

Hate you for making me feel so much for you

I cannot leave you when your life is not all rosy

Cannot see you all alone, so sad and gloomy

And so I am right beside you just in case you need me

And I will stay even though it kills me

Till the time I can’t anymore

or till the time you don’t need me anymore

But till then I will hate you

for making me love you so much

that I put you before me.

Does that make me a doormat?

Ok this is not exactly a poem but it’s something I just wanted to take out.

Surajkund 2010

Went to see Surajkund Crafts Mela few days back. And that was after a full decade. Ya ya shame on me…its like just 40 kms from my place and it took me 10 years to visit again. But what the hell…I hate crowded places!

Anyways, pursuaded by my family, I reluctantly went with them and had a super duper good time Sharing some pictures with you all here.

1. Welcome Rangoli is the first thing you see.

Rangoli @ Entrance

2. A beautifully painted boundary wall…I cannot even begin to imagine the time and patience it must have taken to make it.

Painted boundary wall

3. An intricately carved jharokha or a window.

Jharokha

One of the shops selling colourful wall decorations

Rajasthan was the theme state for this year. So there were lots of colours and dances

One of the intricately decorated gates

This is gate for state of Himachal Pradesh. Gate is replica of Maheshwara Temple.

This one themed Himachal Pradesh

More colours than rainbow itself. So vibrant

Ain't it pretty

Colours- That is what defines the state of Rajasthan.

All the colours

These dancers come from far and wide showcasing their talent. They not only entertain you but at times make you join them as well.

Rajasthani Dancers

These folk singers have been singing since years, maybe decades. Music is soothing. I could sit and listen to it for hours

Folk Singers

This is totally out of this world. Balancing 6 matkas on your head is no joke. And they were NOT glued.

Dance of 6 'matkas'

As if balancing them on her head was not enough, she could dance too. I don’t think I would be able to even stand and she could bend!!!! Takes them years of practice to master this.

!!

Have you ever seen a more colourful horse It was fun to watch this guy dance

Ever seen a colourful horse

Puppet show is one of the cutest things to see…just looking at them move makes you smile. If you haven’t seen it, you have missed something

Puppets!

They are also good as decorations.

:)

This is hand made. I bet no machine can churn out something this beautiful. If it looks this good on a tree, how will it look on a living room wall.

Will look good in living room

This wood carving he done BY HAND!! Seriously…I saw him doing it! Such patience and eye for detail.

Such intricate wood carving!

A Veiled Life

All our lives we wear a veil

Not to hide our body

but to hide our soul

Some do it to avoid getting hurt

For baring your soul makes you vulnerable to pain

Some coz they are ashamed of their truest selves

No one wants to be rejected again

We say what we are supposed to

React as expected from us

All the while

silently looking for that someone

who can make us feel safe enough

to take off the veil and just be ourselves

and be accepted for what we are.

No matter what you achieve

no matter what you gain

At the end of the day,

isn’t that all that one yearns.

Veiled Existence

Another Woman

He loved her. I don’t know why but yes he did. And she loved him too.  That I could understand. He was everything a girl dreams of in her fantasy man, everything a woman wants in her husband. Her was perfection personified. How could anyone not love such a man!

But they couldn’t be together.

Why?

Because he was married. He had a wife and he had a kid. He had committed himself to a woman and vowed to take care and be faithful to her till the end of time. His parents, the society, O hell, he expected himself to stand by his commitments. And so they decided to part.

I’m sure he wished he had met her before he got married, before he had the onus and responsibility of his decision affecting an innocent child.

She must have also wished she met him before he was someone elses. Bearing the tag of  ’another woman’ is an unsurmountable pain.

I also wished they had met before…before he married me.

He was my husband.

I am the woman he stood by all his life and gave up his chance of being with his love. Because I was his responsibility, his commitment, mother of his child.

You would say I was very lucky to be married to a man with such high moral principals. After all, how many men stand by their wedding vows and their commitments? I should have thanked my guardian angel gazillion times.

No. I hated it.  For every day that I had spent married to him, I died a thousand deaths.

I was with the man I loved but he did not love me! For him I was a responsibility and his commitment. He was being true to me coz he wanted to be true to himself. He was nice and kind to me and I couldn’t stand it. I longed to see the love that shone in his eyes for her, for me. There was kindness and even respect for me but I was not his love. I hated him for this and hated myself for being so shallow. So many times I wished to free him of this suffocating relationship but again our child  and his innocence stopped me.

For the world, we were the perfect couple and I was the ideal woman who snatched her husband and her family from the clutches of another woman. I had the perfect life.

But for me, she had the perfect life. She had the love of the man she loved and she did not need anything else. In my eyes, I was the ‘another woman’.

She never married anyone. I used to see her in public functions that we attended together and I could see her drinking the sight of him (of course discreetly). He never looked at her again but I know he was aware of hers. Coz during those times, he did not see me too.

His decision extracted a heavy price from both of us. From him, his love. From me, my integrity and self-respect.

When he died, I looked at his lifeless body, holding his hand, waiting for pain of his loss to hit me but I felt…numb.

There was no sorrow of loosing him because he was never mine to loose.

Instead I felt relieved.

For myself.

For him.

For her.

She died a few months after his death. Our souls were now free of all the chains and shackles.

Husband, Wife and Her???

Image courtesy Getty Images

Conversation

A lonely street

Carpet of dry leaves and seeds

crunching as they get crushed beneath our feet

Wind playing a soulful beat

as it plays with the branches of the trees

We walk together side by side

Wind plays with my hair

pasting them on my face

you stop, you turn towards me

slide hair off my eyes

smile

take my hand

and we walk again

That was the best conversation I had with you.

A walk together

Image courtesy Art4heart

Shattered Dream

It was a dream, her most cherished one.

It was not the kind one sets out to achieve

It was her personal fairy tale, a fantasy

not something that one believes.

She thought of it when she was sad and it made her smile always

She could lose herself in that world for hours

and forget her sorrows and worries.

She was happy.

But one day the impossible happened

Her fantasy, her dream didn’t seem impossible anymore!

It could be real, it could indeed be hers.

What she cherished, what she longed for

What she had made herself believe is fantasy

and only in dreams could be hers.

It was going to be hers.

Oooo what a feeling it was!

She felt she could fly and touch the sky

All her wishes were granted

she had nothing to ask for anymore

she could not stop smiling

strangers also seemed strangers no more

She was estatic.

And just when her perfect world was going to come together

It all fell apart.

She couldn’t believe what was real anymore

Did she dream of her dream getting real?

Or is she now in a terrible nightmare?

Showing a child his favourite toy and

snatching it away just as soon as he grabs it

who could be soo cruel!

Why? Why me? Why ruin my dream?

I never wished to make it real

then why couldn’t you just let it be?

Her dream, her fantasy was shattered

It made her cry now

Everytime she thought of it, she remembered her hopes and smiles

all crushed and massaered now.

What was once a source of bliss

gives nothing but pain deep down to her soul.

Shattered Dream

Healed

I do not think of you all the time anymore

Do not jump when I hear your name

It doesn’t seem more familiar to me than my own

Like it used to once, but not anymore.

My phone now keeps lying in some distant corner of my house

My ears and mental radar often misses hearing it ringing

I once used to be practically glued to it

lest I miss your call but not anymore.

Anecdotes about you dont come up in my conversations anymore

My friends dont have to politely smile and nod at stories heard a dozen times before.

I don’t call up our common friend every second day

Hearing her stories, hoping she’ll tell me something about you.

I dont think of you if I read Mills & Boons

Their oh-so-predicable stories don’t make me cry anymore.

I do invariably start thinking of you when someone asks me what kinda guy I want,

thinking about someone other than you in my life doesn’t sound impossible anymore.

Times we spent were wonderful, i am glad I met someone like you

It ended early but I know anytime would have felt too soon

It hurt, it pained, it nearly ripped me apart

But its all behind me and Im ready to make a new start.

A New Start

Image courtesy Flickr

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Its a sequel of the post written here so for a better experience, please read this first.

So you say one should always tell the truth huh?

Truth always triumphs and truth and nothing but the truth?

Well heres a reality check

You CANNOT tell the truth and facts all the time.

Its not safe. Its not sublime.

For one, people cannot, I repeat, CANNOT digest the truth.

Its a moralistic demand that decays with your youth

Try tellin your ’sugar’ that his offer for weekend cookin is an approachin doom

Or your neighbour that her son is not anyone’s dream groom

Will you tell your boss his sense of humor is in permanent state of coma

His jokes havnt changed since days of yore

And his one liners aren’t witty anymore.

But no you won’t.

You’ll stand with glass of champagne in your hand

and smile as far as your mouth can bend.

And what when its only about you and yourself

Telling facts to all is making vulnerable oneself

Should one and all know what scares you the most.

That when you have nightmares, you wake up crying and watch sunrise hugging your bedpost.

You cried buckets full watching Shreik 1, 2 and 3

Imagine tellin this to your friends, boy you’ll never hear end if it!

Will you let him see how much his words hurt you?

Betcha you’ll laugh your way away saying ‘No big deal’

He’ll never know it was all a ruse.

Lying is defensive mechanism, it helps retain your pride

People tend to hurt. If you buckle, they’ll jump to ride

So for the better good of others and you

Lying is telling truth, a wee bit skewed.

Family Oriented Bride

Weddings are in the air. People are getting hitched left, right and centre. Initially I thought it was only me but a quick poll among my Facebook buddies told me its with everyone. Everyone around everyone is getting married! Kinda spooky, isn’t it

I came across this friend of mine of Gtalk a few days back. After the usual Howdys and Happy New Years, he told me that he is in India for 2 months (from Australia) and he and his family are currently on a bride hunt. It was a very interesting and ‘enlightening’ conversation. My thoughts are in Italics.

He: I saw 5 girls. For shaadi.

Me: Ooo prospective brides…very interesting. So how did it go?

He: Hmm good. 3 were good, 2 were bad.

Me: Bad? Bad as in how?

He: You know…looks and everything.

The feminist in me roared to life at this.

Me: Looks? So what parameters are you deciding on?

He: 1. Family Oriented, 2. Traditional, 3. Education, 4. Looks.

Funny how looks come way down at 4th level but thats the 1st thing he mentioned when I asked what he meant by Bad.

Me: 1. and 2. means? Housewife material? Pooja Paath types?

He: Family Oriented. Don’t you understand English?

Me: I do but cannot comprehend meaning of this term. Could you elaborate?

He: Someone who respects my family and values.

Me: But thats so obvious na. If you respect someone’s family and values, they’ll do the same for you. C’mon, will someone actually abuse your family?

He: Bullshit. Yes, there are some girls who will not respect and its difficult. Family oriented means a girl will be part of the family in its real essence. Daughter of the house, take part in everything and mainly when time comes they take the side of family instead of anything else.

WTF! You want a life partner or a blind cow?

Me: So basically family has to be first. Even if something is against her own ethics and beliefs?

He: Yes

Happy that he has me completely convinced, he carried on about his 2 ‘fantastic’ girls.

He: I met 2 fantastic girls. One was studying MCA, second was working. Both were family oriented and very intelligent too.

Ha! How does it matter? Doesn’t seem like you want her to use her brains for anything other than operating the microwave.

Me: Great! So decided amongst them yet?

He: No. Im going to see 2 more this weekend.

Sounds like grocery shopping. Go through all the brands available in the market then select the one who saw first.

Me: Why? You already like these 2 na?

He: Ya but my family doesnt like them. They have to like them too. Its family oriented rather than self oriented. I like the girl is fundamental requirement. Everyone likes her is final requirement.

D’uh! So if your family find someone they adore but you dont like dat much, it works for you? Dude, its you who has to live with her 24×7. Your folks will see you guys maybe once in 3 years!

I wished him all the best for his bride hunt.

And had a hearty laugh. No offence to him but Im quite sure he himself had slim idea of what exactly Family oriented is supposed to mean. Just one of the cases where people use cliché without knowing what they mean.