How do we even hope for life,
when the heart is parched
for a drop of humanity
While going through my old posts, I came across one that i wrote three years back when i had joined my last firm.
And now when I have come full circle and again in my first week of a new job I can’t help but draw parallels between the two.
My travelling has increased since my new company is a good 40 km away from home. I have to take a city metro which takes me 2 hours to reach office.
First impression was good when i got a snazzy new Thinkpad 🙂 🙂 the workstations are spacious and even the cafeteria and washrooms (big pain points of my old company) are much improved.
Its been a week and a half and i havent done any work ..no I’m not being a lazy bum. People around me have so much to do that no one has time to brief me on anything!!
So contrary to my previous one week of grind, I had one week of super chill time.
Looking at the team, I know it’s not gonna last (and frankly its kinda boring too) but for now, I do have time to give to my blog 🙂
As I near the end, a sense of foreboding envelops me.
Do I even remember a life without it?
You are living in the past, a voice said to me
What you are fearing is already on you,
and what you are loathe to leave is already behind you.
You know it already
All that is required is for you to accept it
How can that be, I argued my point.
If you hadn’t
already moved on,
if you weren’t healed already
You would have been torn apart by thinking the possibility of
living without what you have lived with so far.
The end is not near, this is the end.
And tomorrow is the new beginning.
Of a new life with new dreams and hopes.
‘It’s better to be any kind of happy than to be miserable about someone you can’t have”
Leah Clearwater Breaking Dawn
The only thing worth remembering from the 2 hour torture of Breaking dawn (but Breaking Dawn is not the point right now).. not coz I whole heartedly agree with it or strongly disagree. but coz I cannot make my mind… somewhere it shook me.
How do you decide something is un-achievable? when is it that you should give up… and when you give up, do you have to move away from it necessarily? So the only thing that should hold you on is whether you can get it or not. Honestly it sounds a bit selfish to me… reminds me of a child like tantrum.. i want it, if i cant have it then i don’t want to be near it at all!
But then this can be argued from another point as well…
Is there any logic in running after something which is clearly not yours… never meant to be yours, never will be yours? Keeping up the hope and seeing it get dashed every single time… how long can a human stand it. how long before you break from this self-inflicted torture?
Is it really amateur to see a lost cause in face and do what is right by your self as well as for those around us? Who decides what is right what is the more prudent thing to do?
The bigger question in all this is not what is the right thing to do…
Do you have it in you to do the right thing? Sometimes, that’s all that decides everything.
I read this story some 15 years back in one of those children books. Kinda stayed with me.
Once there was a girl in a small village. A true devotee of Lord Almighty. She prayed with all her heart and wished for God to give him darshaan.
Pleased by her sincerity, God came to her and blessed her. He asked her for her wish. What she asked shocked him-
“I want you to come to see me everyday for the rest of my life.”
My child this might not be in best of your interests, God warned her. But she insisted and finally God agreed.
“I will come as a ascetic everyday at your door and take some bhikshaa (alms) from you. But remember, you can never reveal my true identity to anyone. IF you do, you’ll instantly turn to stone.”
And so, bound by his word, everyday God came as a ascetic at her door. She donated some grain to him and he blessed her. Her parents initially wary, later got used to the ascetic coming at their door.
Time flew by and time came for the girl to get married. On her wedding day too, God came and asked got bhikshaa. Girl’s mother came out but he refused to take it from her. Finally girl herself came to take his blessings for her life ahead.
“Remember my child. People do not always see things the way you want them too. They have their own interpretation and you have to live with that.”
Girl got married and went to stay at her husband’s house where he stayed with his parents. Next day, the ascetic came to her new home and asked for bhikshaa. When this continued, girl’s mother in law grew suspicious of them and discussed it with her husband and son. They tried to dissuade the girl from giving alms and the ascetic to stop coming but to no avail.
Finally one day when ascetic came, they confronted them both and demanded an explanation. Girl couldn’t say anything since she did not want to lie and was prohibited to reveal the truth. Enraged by her silence, her husband started abusing the ascetic who just stood there listening to everything.
A devotee can take a thousand allegations on himself but how to stand one’s lord being bad mouthed. In a fit of pained cry, she screamed and told everyone the truth.
Suddenly there was a flash of light in place of the ascetic. “You broke your word and now you may bear the result.”
Ascetic had disappeared. A stunned audience turned to see a stone statue in place of the girl.
During our life we encounter a number of relationships. Some we are born with, some we make ourselves. This society defines a unique mould for every relationship of one’s life with its set of do’s and don’ts.
And what does not fit in the mould is frowned upon. While we say that the world is constantly changing, we ourselves do not want to break out of those moulds.
But some relationships do not fit in those moulds…they cannot be named. they cannot be defined. They are just there, incomparable to any relation in our lives but still the most important one of all.
You cannot define it, you cannot explain it. But they do not fit in the moulds defined by this society. The world does not understand it. And what we don’t understand, we think the worst of it.
And so you have to justify it….justify importance and existence of a crucial part of your own life to the society…to everyone around you.
Your family. Your friends. Your life partner.
And if you fail to explain, you may have to give up on it.
Such is this world we live in. To live your life your own way, you have to give reasons.
Has it ever happened to you?
You and Me
came across quite unexpectedly
It seemed as if it was meant to be.
You and Me
with our own stringent set of rules
Yet all rules got ignored and broken
Without even trying to break free.
You and Me
felt an instant connection with each other.
Meeting you made me wonder
why I didn’t meet you before.
You and Me
shared our thoughts, confessed our stupidest mistakes
argued over miniscule ego issues
sweared never to talk
only to chat away next day with glee.
You and Me
it was a totally illogical and impractical combo
and it couldn’t have lasted forever
You and me
never became we.
It was a lonely gathering of 500 people. No one was with anyone yet everyone was talking to anyone, everyone.
I felt stifled but then I had never liked such social parties. I scanned the sea of faces but none stood out. Even the ones I knew had blended in one another. I looked again, not really sure what I was searching for. It was a ritual I indulged in every time I could not get out of attending an event like this one.
I sighed and gave up.
“Excuse me. Are you waiting for someone?”
The soft velvety, cultured voice flowed through me. I turned around and saw him.
My first thought was, I know him.
I felt a strange mix of deep calm and contentment yet an exhiliration at seeing him. It felt as if he was the one I had been searching for all along and now finally I could relax that I has found him.
Unable to place if I indeed knew him, I asked, “Excuse me, do I know you? You look a bit familar”
A multitude of expressions crossed his face. There was fear, pain, sadness and hope?
“Do you?” he enquired in that same velvety soothing voice. It felt as if he was waiting with baited breath for my answer.
But when my confused look continued, he smiled and said, “Maybe I just have a common face. You know how it happens. Lot of people look like someone else you know.”
Impossible. I thought. He didn’t look like anyone else and I doubted i would have forgotten him of I had known him beforehand. Ofcourse I did not say all this to him.
“So can I get you a drink if you don’t mind.”
I nodded while the logical part of my brain was sending me alarm signals that I do not actually know him. Somehow it felt right.
He came back with a glass of fresh OJ.
While his thoughfulness surprised me, a small doubt nagged me that he hadn’t asked me what I wanted to drink. Yet he got me OJ- not a very popular choice of drink in a weekend party but exactly what I wanted!
We talked about things and I time flew. It was easier to talk to him about small things as well big ones. He easily understood everything I said and many I didn’t say.
At times I would catch him looking at me with a weird look in his eyes. If I didn’t know better, I would say he looked pained.
Ofcourse during that entire time when he talked, I had this contant feeling of déjà vu that I just couldn’t shake away.
Like when he would tell me about his work as a pilot and the demanding and erratic work schedules, about his hiking trips up in hills and the quiet and calmness he feels there. All this while I would feel that I really know what he is saying even though I don’t remember ever going to mountains. I could visualise easily him sitting outside a campfire looking at fireflies dancing in the air. As if Im right next to him!
I told him that.
He looked at me as if he kinda expected it but still regretted it.
“And is it a bad feeling or a good feeling?” he inquired in a tone that sounded uninterested and casual.
Before I could say anything more, my party came to get me and we left. Half way through the hall, I realized we never exchanged names! Somehow it didn’t seem important. I turned around and saw his gaze on me. I think it remained there till the time I moved out of the hall.
I smiled. It was an interesting yet confusing encounter. The feeling of déjà vu persisted.
He kept staring at her till he could see her. It was impossible to take his eyes off even if he tried. He sighed. Today he had come too close, way too close. He could have blewed it.
A hand came on her shoulder and he turned around to see the doctor.
“You are a very brave man, my son. And you really love her a lot.”
“I almost blew it today. IT was too close. What if it has a bad effect on her?”
“Don’t think bad. Infact, this just might ruffle and deep settled memory and shake it a bit. You never know she might actually remember you tomorrow morning! Have faith.”
“Faith. That is all I am living on now doctor. Ever since that unfortunate accident that took her memory away. Its a pain to meet her every evening in this sham party, hoping to see some recognition for me in her eyes.” his voice cracked in anguish.
Doctor could not say anything. He could see the man in front of him torn by his love and his patience wearing thin. He sighed and prayed for patience for the man and for himself.